If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
