I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
