i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
