ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
