Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
