I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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