I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
