even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
