I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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