I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
My breasts were aching with rage.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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