My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
