I'm going to jail i love you
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
