The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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