Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
