There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
