You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
