I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
this must be what syphilis tastes like
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
