Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
why do cheetos always look like penises
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
