i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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