I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
