and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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