I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
