i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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