So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
