What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
