theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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