So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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