Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
