Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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