My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
