they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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