my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
