Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
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