Girls should come with a carfax report
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
