He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
