I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
why do cheetos always look like penises
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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