i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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