I'm drive I can fine osifer
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
