There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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