toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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