when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
