the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
