the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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