OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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