I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
