he shaved USA in his pubs
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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