I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
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