I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
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