Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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