You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
