It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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